Sight

In the quiet spaces between chemotherapy sessions and the turbulence of a cancer journey, the word "sight" held an unexpected fascination for me. Intriguingly, it was the fourth definition that ignited a cascade of questions.

Amid the intense gaze at dictionary entries – not my usual pastime, cancer or not – I pondered profound queries. How do we truly see others beyond the façade presented by our eyes or the preconceptions of past encounters? How do we perceive ourselves? What mental image have we crafted, and who wields the power to determine our worthiness?

Curiosity coursed through me, tinged with an underlying nervousness about the elusive answers I would find as I looked further into this human game of hide and seek we wield and play.

BEING TRULY SEEN IS A DREAM-LIKE EXPERIENCE, A SPORADIC JOURNEY WHERE WE REVEL INTOXICATED, YET ALWAYS WARY THAT THE ENCHANTMENT MAY SHATTER.

While I'd love to claim immunity to this game of hide and seek, the truth is I've played it a lot, especially in the journey backk to living as I call it following my dalliance with cancer.

At the inception of my cancer journey, I ventured into video blogging – a public exposition of my uncharted odyssey through the murky waters of cancer. It served as a means to keep loved ones informed, offer fresh perspectives on healing rather than doom, and provide myself a cathartic outlet during tough times.

It was a conscious decision to vlog, holding myself accountable to survival and even if I didn't, the hope was to leave behind fragments of my identity, my beliefs, and the lessons I'd learned.

Initially, the process was enjoyable, and the response was fantastic. I was being seen in a way I'd never experienced before. A couple of months into treatment however and the prospect of facing a camera became my greatest dread? The well-intentioned endeavor to make myself seen and accountable during this journey crumbled prematurely.

SELF -WORTH & THE JOURNEY TO SEEING OURSELVES

Persistent questions nagged at me: "Was I worthy of being seen? Who decided this, and what was I truly seeking in this quest for visibility?"

By the end of May 2017,Chemotherapy took its toll, altering my physical appearance. I was now bald, devoid of eyebrows, had a swollen face and skin resembling that of a ghost. Was this the source of my anxiety? Had I unwittingly waded into the shallow waters of vanity?

Certainly, I won't deny feeling less than my prettiest, nor will I dismiss the 2% truth that I hid from the world due to this. However, my restless mind signaled that hidden in the shadows was something of value. Why couldn't I muster the courage to continue the show?

EXHAUSTED, DESPONDENT, AND TEARFUL, THE PROSPECT OF APPLAUSE FOR MY VULNERABILITY DID NOTHING TO PROPEL ME INTO ACTION.

Delving into thoughts about being seen, I conducted some cursory research. Google led me to a revelation that shifted my perspective instantly.

Italian women don't withdraw – they own the space they're in. They believe they deserve to be seen, heard, and admired. In their eyes, they are worth the gaze of others.

There it was. I wasn't out of touch with myself after all. Stepping back from video blogging was, in fact, a reflection of a deep and vital need I had to see my own worth but unlike those Italian ladies, I wanted to be seen by myself for myself. The need for other to see me had moved down the list of priorities.

Reframing those words from google into new questions, I ceased the countdown in the hide-and-seek game.

I refocused my eyes and watched as my rockets of my power landed safely back on Earth. Questions like - What was I owning in my darkest hours? What did I feel I deserved? Who did I want to be seen and heard by? and Who was I looking to be admired by? - all led to the same answers: "ME."

Cancer catapulted me into a journey of self-love and self-compassion and in my silence from the world, in my hiding, I was seeking myself.

It was the right thing – a choice made from a truly seen place for myself, with the hope that it serves others.